On a Personal Note

So I am about to write a post that is extremely personal and unbelievably difficult to write. I’ve thought a lot about whether or not I should even share any of this. Ultimately I decided I would rather it be public knowledge than have to answer all the inevitable questions about if/when I am going to try for baby #2. Most importantly though, this post is for Ramona. The future Ramona who will one day want to know all about these things in life.

I am going to take the long route in this story because this is also for me. Nick and I barely had to try for Ramona. Seriously 2 weeks and my pregnancy test came up positive. You’ve seen us joke about it on our about us page. We were surprised, overjoyed, and extremely nervous. Typical new parent stuff.

Besides for a slight scare in the beginning (I had a fever due to a cold and they thought I might have an ectopic pregnancy), my pregnancy and her birth were storybook. No problems. I gained exactly 30 pounds which was the most I wanted. I got an epidural before I really had any pain. Ramona did have meconium in utero, but she didn’t inhale any of it. It was all so easy.

Fast forward almost 3 years, we have a handful of a toddler who is just as much fun as she is crazy. She is anything but easy. We are every bit as in love as we were that first day even when she becomes too spirited for mommy to handle. In February we decided to try for the next baby. I figured we would welcome baby #2 somewhere between Ramona’s 3rd birthday and the end of 2012, but every month we were disappointed. I couldn’t figure out how it could be so easy the first time and take months on the next go. I tried not to stress about it, but I did. In July I decided I was absolutely not going to stress about it anymore. Whenever we got pregnant next would be exactly in God’s plan even if I wound up having a summer baby (yes I worried about that…stupid).

We got back from Florida. I had been cramping on and off while we were gone, so I figured I would finally take a pregnancy test so I would just start already. Well it came up positive. I was floored. Unfortunately it was Monday (August 20th to be exact). I couldn’t tell Nick until Thursday night. I am the worst at keeping my own secrets, but I did. I told Ramona though because I couldn’t hold it in. She didn’t give me away even though she tried. I was on the phone with Nick and she was screaming in the background, “Mommy has a baby in her tummy.” He didn’t hear. Thank God.

I bought her a big sister shirt and book to surprise Nick with on Thursday. I was determined to have a better announcement to Nick than rushing out of the bathroom saying oh my God it’s positive (see Ramona’s announcement). I have an extremely cute video of the reveal that I won’t post, but the smile on Nick’s face while he held Ramona and put 2 and 2 together was priceless.

We told our families as soon as possible. Then I started telling friends as we saw them. I didn’t want to make an official announcement until we saw the dr. We were scheduled to go to Seattle/Portland on September 14-21, so my dr appointment was set for the 28th.

I started spotting the Wednesday before we were supposed to leave. I thought my body was just telling me to slow down. I did, but it got worse. I called the doctor Thursday, and she told me to come in immediately. I was 8 weeks which is the normal time you see the doctor the first time. I got an ultrasound. We could see the attached sac. They couldn’t see a heartbeat, but they could pinpoint where the bleeding was coming from. We weren’t sure if I just wasn’t as far along as I should have been (maybe I ovulated later) or if something worse was happening.

I was told to cancel the trip and return on Monday for another ultrasound. They said that if I had a fever or was in excruciating pain I should go to the ER. I laid in bed most of the weekend with a few trips out, but my lower back hurt in the worst way. At dinner time Sunday night, I told Nick we might have to head to the ER because I was in pain. I laid down with a heating pad for an hour then decided maybe a shower would help.

I got in the shower but wound up on the floor in horrible pain. I told Nick to get Ramona, get out of the bathroom, and call my mom. At this point there was a lot of blood. (Sorry to be graphic.) My body was clearly in labor, and there was nothing I or anyone else could do about it. I passed the sac at home. We headed to the ER because the physical pain was just too much for me. My mom met us and took Ramona to her house.

The physical pain has been the most pressing matter since the miscarriage. I’ve had several more trips to the doctor with ultrasounds, blood being drawn, and additional checkups scheduled. Just trying to make sure I’m recovering correctly and no d&c is needed. It’s been somewhat of a distraction from what actually just happened. We lost our baby.

I know I wasn’t far along, but when you see pregnant on a test things change. You see your life differently and make plans. The future becomes brighter and a little scarier all at once.  You’re excited to meet your new addition. You wonder how your child will cope with having to share you. Your head is constantly buzzing with thoughts about the next 9 months and beyond.

I have not even begun to emotionally process the loss. I have started but I can tell you I am in the very beginnings of working through things. Ramona came home from school with this family artwork she did. She asked me about the baby in my tummy. I hadn’t told her anything yet, not because I thought she would forget (the child remembers EVERY thing) but because I didn’t know what to say. I guess all the talk about brothers and sisters in class made her want to know about hers. I told her there wasn’t a baby in my tummy anymore. She wanted to know where it went. I just said it went away. (I was not prepared for this.) She wanted to know who took the baby. I told her Jesus did. She asked if Jesus was a bad guy. My heart was just broken. The Lord worked it out for me though because while I was silently crying trying to drive and find the words to tell my only child that she wasn’t going to have a brother or sister anymore Ramona just said the baby loved Jesus. That was it. End of discussion. She figured it out on her own and moved on.

When I look back on everything that Nick and I have gone through in our marriage and life, I know everything happens for a reason. I can honestly say that everything has worked out for the better. We have been through some pretty traumatic things together. More things in the last 11 years than most people deal with in a lifetime, but God knows exactly what he is doing. He knows how much you can handle and gives you the grace you need.

Even though I know this is true, I am even more sure the road ahead is going to be difficult. Grieving. Recovering. Questioning. Do we try again or not? Can I handle another pregnancy – physically and emotionally? How will we feel when my would be due date comes? What’s next?